One Person Project

Nature Vs. Nurture

Most, if not all, of our habits and routines stem from childhood. This is the longstanding debate of nature vs. nurture. How much of you is just due to nature (your genetics) or nurture (your upbringing and experiences)? We are going to focus more on nurture than nature because the part of us that is due to influences and upbringing is easier to identify, change, and correct. We may not realize the significant impact our upbringing has on us, but aspects such as personality, discipline, humor, addiction, and fitness level are shaped by what we witnessed or were raised around. Obviously, there are exceptions to this, but for most of us we are the rule. There may be things you do or behaviors that you have that you do so regularly that you don’t even realize that they start at a young age, due to the behaviors of your parents or other people that were very present in your young life. When out in public, if you see thin, athletic parents, their children are most likely athletic and thin as well. The same goes for obesity; if the parents are obese, then the children typically are or will become obese. Adults who have addiction issues, whether it is drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling, will most likely have at least one child who also struggles with addiction.

My influences

My mother was and still is a very disciplined, savvy businesswoman. My father was a very hard-working family man. Being raised by savvy entrepreneurs had a profound influence on my work ethic; I strive to do my very best in every job I undertake. On the other hand, my parents do have some negative traits that also influenced my behavior as an adult. My mother could be described as narcissistic (although I don’t love using that term because it can only be diagnosed by a licensed psychologist, but I do acknowledge when people have many of the traits associated with narcissism). She was a very disciplinarian, made some selfish decisions when I was younger, and was cold toward my father and unaffectionate toward her children. My father was an addict, lied frequently, and cursed like a sailor. Many of my characteristics followed those of my parents. I struggle with showing affection to my husband and children, like my mother did. I struggled with addiction to both alcohol and pills, like my father. When my children were younger, I had the mentality of “do what I say without question because I’m your mother, if you won’t obey, then you will be punished,” which is how I was parented by both my father and mother. I struggled with being honest when I was a teen/young adult, a habit which was fostered by watching my father lying. I recently realized how much, whether negative or positive of my personality and character have been directly influenced by my upbringing.

How can we change?

This nature/nurture concept may make many people feel like they are hopeless to change because they have been doing the same things since childhood, or they are genetically predisposed to behave a certain way. This is false. I know, I had to face myself and say, “I have to change, my behaviors are not healthy, and they are causing unnecessary issues in my life”. This change requires some deep inner work; you have to be able to look inside yourself and recognize the behaviors that are making your life harder. It takes a ton of self-awareness and accountability to say, “I’m in the wrong and I need to make changes”. Just like the exercise in my previous post, this one requires a paper and pen, but instead of recognizing the people, places, or things that evoke negative emotions; I want you to write down your own habits, characteristics, personality traits, or thoughts that either cause you distress, embarrassment, or problems, or things you do that may hurt others such as lying, being unappreciative, unaffectionate, or throwing shade. Once you have a list of negative traits, I want you to dig deep and try to figure out where those patterns and behaviors came from. Once you can recognize the negative within yourself and identify the source, you will then be ready to either eliminate the behavior or replace it with something more positive. If your issue is lying, figure out why you lie, then make it a goal to not lie, not matter how much it might hurt, because the truth can be ugly, but it always comes out, so lying makes it so much worse. Look at it like ripping the Band-Aid off. If you struggle with having negative thoughts about others, catch the thought when it occurs and replace it with something complimentary. Let’s say you have a co-worker that is very social, they like to talk your ear off, so as soon as you see them coming your first thought is “God they’re so annoying”, catch that thought and say to yourself ” they aren’t annoying they are friendly and enjoy chatting with me” The examples can go on and on but you get the idea. This is a long process, and it really takes a huge amount of effort to recognize the bad traits in yourself, but you will be and feel so much better for changing your ways!