One Person Project

Positive change is always possible

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  • How Delays Can Lead to Better Life Decisions

    How Delays Can Lead to Better Life Decisions

    Patience is a word we hear all too often, but what does it really mean in today’s world? We live in a world of instant results and gratification. If you want to buy something go online and order it now, need a dopamine boost log on to social media to get bombarded with personalized content, need to go somewhere, get in your car, hop on public transit, or call an uber, want to know your health test results, no waiting on the doctor to call just check the app and get the results now. There are very few things we actually have to wait on. There is an app or service for everything now. So, with all of the convenience of today, when we have to wait for anything, it is painful.

    There is something beautiful about waiting. It may not seem like it, but with all the instant gratification we get now, pausing and waiting has benefits. Here is an example: recently, my husband and I were looking into what seemed like an auspicious career opportunity. We interviewed with several people, answered countless questions, and thought we had the chance in the bag. Then came the waiting, and waiting, and waiting…we waited for three long weeks to hear back on whether we made the cut. I reached out to our point of contact twice during this waiting period, only to receive the response, “We haven’t made a decision yet.” This waiting period gave us time to reflect, analyze, and question if we actually wanted to do this. When we received the message that they “decided to move forward with another couple”, it was a relief. The time it took to get the answer gave us time to realize that this opportunity would not benefit us in the long run and would set us back on our current business ventures. Not getting an instant answer helped us reflect on all aspects of our lives and ease the blow of not getting the position (because we really wanted this opportunity when we applied, so if we had gotten a negative response early on, we would have been upset). The delay gave us time to reflect on what we are doing currently, where we would like to go, and what will help us achieve those goals. The lost position did not fit with what we want for the future of our businesses. This is true of so many decisions or opportunities that we are presented with. When waiting on a decision, proceed with life as if that opportunity was never offered; don’t stop living because you haven’t heard any news. Take that time to move forward with other things in your life and weigh the decision. Delaying an answer or a decision is usually the best option. Having patience with decisions gives you time to study their outcomes, weigh whether an opportunity will be a blessing or a curse, and gain more clarity about what you actually want out of your life.

    Patience is a virtue, and learning to master it early will make life sweeter. The children of today are the first generation to have the world instantly at their fingertips. If you look online, you’ll find countless videos of kids throwing tantrums because they can’t get what they want immediately. There are numerous posts and blogs by educators explaining the difficulties of teaching children with no impulse control. Patience is probably one of the most important things to teach your children. Limit screen time, and make them work or do chores for something that they want instead of just buying it. According to studies, 82% of kids who practice patience usually or always bounce back quickly when things do not go their way. According to an article in the World Economic Forum, “studies have documented that impatience among adults is a strong predictor of outcomes such as occupational choice and credit card borrowing (Burks et al. 2009, Meier and Sprenger 2010). Sutter et al. (2011) and Castillo et al. (2011) studied the consequences of impatience among children. Sutter et al. use a sample of 661 children aged 10 to 18 to show that impatience correlates with their Body Mass Index, savings, and spending on alcohol and tobacco.” When they want something, make them earn it, rather than just giving it to them for no reason. This includes both physical items and screen time. When having conversations with them don’t let them interrupt, say something to them like “I understand you are excited to share but can we please wait until (they, me, etc) is done talking first” This also goes for play time, make them follow the rules if your playing a game, make them wait their turn, and to be respectful of others that they may be playing with So delaying your child’s gratification may feel painful in the moment. Still, in the long run, it will make them healthier, happier, kinder, and most likely a more successful adult.

  • How Discipline Fuels Consistency in Your Goals

    How Discipline Fuels Consistency in Your Goals

    We are really good at sticking to our regular daily routine, getting up at a particular time, doing our job, getting off at a specific time, etc. Even when life throws change our way—like getting married, having kids, moving to a new area, or changing jobs —we adapt pretty well. People tend to have more difficulty staying consistent when it comes to optional changes. We like our routines, habits, and behaviors because they feel safe to us. The brain is programmed to scan for danger, so any change signals danger to our minds. Our habits have created pathways in our brains that require less energy to perform; this is why it feels like a Herculean task to go to the gym when you first start working out, or to resist grabbing a burger on the way home after work rather than cooking a healthy meal. Most of the time, we have to force ourselves to stick with a new habit when we first start. This process of pushing ourselves to do something is called discipline.

    Going to the gym, working extra hours to get the promotion, sticking to healthy eating habits, or stopping a bad habit like drinking or smoking all seem like tasks that would take motivation, but really, what it takes is discipline. Discipline and motivation are very often used interchangeably, but you need to be disciplined before motivation happens. Discipline is getting up early to go for a run, even when your entire being just wants to snuggle up in the blanket and hit snooze, it’s staying late at work to get your to-do list finished instead of going with friends to dinner, or saying no to a drink when you’re at a party because you want to stop drinking. Motivation is the feeling of wanting to do something; discipline is doing it no matter how you feel. I recently cut down on my alcohol consumption. I was an alcoholic, I wasn’t to the point of drinking during the day, but after my kids went to sleep, I would have a drink or 4 every night. This went on for years. I finally got sick of feeling foggy-headed, tired, bloated, and moody. I chose to cut down significantly, sticking to only having a drink on the weekend. It was tough to not pick up a cosmopolitan from the station on the way home, but the longer I went without a drink, the better I started to feel. Motivation isn’t what kept the bottle from my lips; discipline was. It was such a struggle to say no to myself at first; I had to force myself to make the choice. My motivation to stop drinking was for me to feel better and be better, but discipline is what made the decision stick. If you want to make a change in your life, it helps to take steps that make it easier to stay disciplined. For example, eating healthy, keeping a food journal, avoiding junk food, or creating a grocery list and ordering a pickup or delivery so you won’t impulsively buy anything are actions you can take to stick to your healthy new habit. If you want to work out or start jogging each morning, set out your gym clothes and running shoes the night before, set an alarm, and place it far out of your reach so you have to get up to shut it off, or get an accountability partner. Discipline is a complicated thing to master because you have to say yes even when you desperately want to say no, and it’s consistently doing something when your brain is making up a thousand excuses to stop.

    With discipline comes consistency. To be disciplined is to be consistent. Most goals are not accomplished by doing something one time. You can’t get a promotion by giving an excellent presentation once. You aren’t going to become stronger by doing one rep and calling it quits. No one becomes great at anything by only trying once. It requires consistency. Ask any professional athlete how much they practiced before going pro, and the answer will be that they practiced constantly and consistently. Writers, singers, or artist practice their craft for a lifetime; they don’t create once and then stop. You have to stay disciplined to keep up consistency so you can make a fundamental change in your life. Push through, especially on the days when you really don’t feel like doing anything. Journal, write tasks down on your calendar, put reminders in your phone, track progress, and do anything that will keep your goals at the forefront of your mind. This will help discipline to overcome complacency.

  • Wash Away Negativity: Embrace Positivity Daily

    Wash Away Negativity: Embrace Positivity Daily

    “Positivity is kind of like washing your hands, you wash away the negative and have a nice clean place to start over with positivity,” Said my wise 10-year-old. She was right when she said this; we have to “wash away” or rid ourselves of negative thoughts, patterns, or habits and start over with positivity. Just as with hand washing, we must do this repeatedly. If you stop washing your hands, you will become dirty and likely get sick frequently. Similarly, if we don’t regularly rid ourselves of negative thoughts, we will continue to perceive the world, ourselves, and others as restrictive, complicated, or miserable.

    I think every single person on the planet struggles with pessimistic thoughts. Some of us are skeptical of others and their motives, while others engage in toxic inner dialogue, and many worry about all the terrible things that might happen today. We are constantly bombarded with bad news, hateful comments online, judgmental statements, and division. It can become challenging to not follow the loudest voices into the pit of pessimism. This is also true of toxic inner dialogue; most of the things we tell ourselves are influenced by what others have said in the past. “I am too fat to wear that” usually comes from someone making comments about our weight or peers poking fun at the overweight lady at the park. “I am not very smart,” or feeling inadequate, or incompetent, most likely stems from the comments your parents would make if you got a low grade, or from a friend who was extremely booksmart and made jokes about your academic achievements. Negative thoughts are often deeply rooted in past experiences, and as a result, they become ingrained habits.

    I personally struggled with negative self-talk. My parents had a habit of calling me stupid when I was younger. They would make comments such as “you’d better marry rich because you’re not going to be a doctor or anything.” I remember sitting at our dining room table, crying over a math workbook because I simply didn’t understand the subject. Instead of helping, my parents would make me sit there until I finished the homework, all while making comments about my lack of intelligence. So for years, I told myself that I wasn’t smart enough. I failed many high school classes because, in my mind, I was too stupid to figure it out, so why try? It took me years, a 4.0 GPA in an engineering program, repeatedly being on the dean’s list, and running a successful business to finally realize that I was and am smart enough to accomplish anything. I have made it a practice to tell myself that I can figure it out when something is difficult, because those old thoughts of “I can’t do this, or I am not smart enough to figure it out,” do still surface. I have to consciously catch these thoughts and change them. That is the trick to reshaping how you see yourself: catching the thoughts, discarding them, and reframing them as positive.

    When negative thoughts rear their ugly heads, we have to stop them in their tracks. If you notice that you are being too hard on yourself, try changing the thought to something more encouraging. Instead of “I can’t,” say “I can” or “I will.” If you are pessimistic about other people, when a negative thought occurs about someone, try to immediately think of something complimentary about that person. If your peer group tends to focus on gossip or negative topics, consider taking a break from them or redirecting the conversation to more positive ones. If the news or social media influences you to feel that this world is horrible, take a break from your devices and look at all the good around you. Making significant changes to your personality and mindset can shake up your external world. Friends may fall away, you may decide to change your career path, or you may feel out of the loop with current events. Anything you can do to help foster a better attitude will be worth it in the long run.

    Creating a gratitude journal is a great way to start focusing on the positives in your life; simply thinking of three things a day that you are grateful for can significantly improve your mood. I have a practice with my daughter, every day after school, I ask her about three things that made today better than yesterday, then I ask her what she is grateful for that day. This 5-minute-a-day practice has made an enormous difference in my daughter’s attitude. At the ripe age of 10, she was very negative, judgmental, and sarcastic. I had to take a look at my behavior, because she picked up these negative habits from somewhere. It was a mix of my influence, schoolmates, social media, and YouTube. We both took a step back from social media and watching TV. I consciously think about what I am going to say so I can influence her to think and say more positive things. And we practice daily gratitude. Doing this is a great starting point to growing gratitude, which in turn sprouts positivity.

    These are all great techniques to practice positivity and gratitude. If you slip up and have a bad day, don’t beat yourself up; we are all going to have days like that. Wake up tomorrow and say Today will be better. This is a practice just like washing your hands; you will have to do it repeatedly. If you continue to practice gratitude, you will notice that it becomes increasingly easier to see the good in everything.

  • Journaling: Your Tool for Healing and Visioning

    Journaling: Your Tool for Healing and Visioning

    I think that journaling is highly underrated. People believe that journaling is simply about replaying your day on paper, but it is actually putting your identity, dreams, and visions in writing. It can help you identify sore spots in your life, unravel deep-rooted insecurities, and provide ideas on how to repair the damage that has been done to you. If you have a vision of what you want your future to look like, jotting down the details can help to keep it at the forefront of your mind. Journaling is a powerful tool that can transform your life if used effectively.

    Writing down issues that may have caused stress, anxiety, fear, etc., on paper can be a giant leap toward healing from old wounds. For example, I just started journaling about issues that I see within myself. I do not like to plan or envision my future. I sat down with my journal, started writing, and had an Ah Ha moment. My planning issue is that I am so accustomed to disappointment that I would rather not plan, as I already assume it won’t work out. To work through this, I will keep promises to myself. We can’t control other people, so others may still cause a slight disappointment, but if I can keep the promises I make to myself, it will change this mindset. If you notice that you have trust issues, you don’t like to plan, you are reluctant to do things, you are scared to put yourself out there to meet other people, or any other issue you may have, put pen to paper and work through the question of “why do I have this mindset?”. It is so freeing to solve the mystery of why.

    In addition to helping resolve negative mindsets, journaling can help move your visions of your future into reality. If you have a dream to do anything, such as start a business, take a trip to another country, go back to school, be more social, or advance in your company, put it on paper. Write down the dream in detail, precisely what you picture in your mind, down to the most minuscule piece of the puzzle. Then, just as writers do, make an outline of the steps you would need to take to make the dream a reality. Let’s use the vision of being more social as an example. First, write down what the vision is: “I want to be more social”, then figure out what that looks like in your mind. Write down the vision: is it you being witty at a corporate function, finding people who share the same hobbies or interests as you, or approaching coworkers or peers and starting a conversation? No matter what, write down what this looks like to you. Then comes the action part: write down the steps you need to take to improve your social life. Are you finally going to tell that great joke at the office mixer, are you going to look up local meetings or groups that have the same interest, and then go to these meetings, or are you going to join in the conversation that your co-worker or peers are having when you have something to add? Every time you take a step in the direction of your vision, make a note of it, then move to the next step until your vision becomes your reality.

  • How Childhood Shapes Adult Behavior: A Deep Dive

    How Childhood Shapes Adult Behavior: A Deep Dive

    Nature Vs. Nurture

    Most, if not all, of our habits and routines stem from childhood. This is the longstanding debate of nature vs. nurture. How much of you is just due to nature (your genetics) or nurture (your upbringing and experiences)? We are going to focus more on nurture than nature because the part of us that is due to influences and upbringing is easier to identify, change, and correct. We may not realize the significant impact our upbringing has on us, but aspects such as personality, discipline, humor, addiction, and fitness level are shaped by what we witnessed or were raised around. Obviously, there are exceptions to this, but for most of us we are the rule. There may be things you do or behaviors that you have that you do so regularly that you don’t even realize that they start at a young age, due to the behaviors of your parents or other people that were very present in your young life. When out in public, if you see thin, athletic parents, their children are most likely athletic and thin as well. The same goes for obesity; if the parents are obese, then the children typically are or will become obese. Adults who have addiction issues, whether it is drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling, will most likely have at least one child who also struggles with addiction.

    My influences

    My mother was and still is a very disciplined, savvy businesswoman. My father was a very hard-working family man. Being raised by savvy entrepreneurs had a profound influence on my work ethic; I strive to do my very best in every job I undertake. On the other hand, my parents do have some negative traits that also influenced my behavior as an adult. My mother could be described as narcissistic (although I don’t love using that term because it can only be diagnosed by a licensed psychologist, but I do acknowledge when people have many of the traits associated with narcissism). She was a very disciplinarian, made some selfish decisions when I was younger, and was cold toward my father and unaffectionate toward her children. My father was an addict, lied frequently, and cursed like a sailor. Many of my characteristics followed those of my parents. I struggle with showing affection to my husband and children, like my mother did. I struggled with addiction to both alcohol and pills, like my father. When my children were younger, I had the mentality of “do what I say without question because I’m your mother, if you won’t obey, then you will be punished,” which is how I was parented by both my father and mother. I struggled with being honest when I was a teen/young adult, a habit which was fostered by watching my father lying. I recently realized how much, whether negative or positive of my personality and character have been directly influenced by my upbringing.

    How can we change?

    This nature/nurture concept may make many people feel like they are hopeless to change because they have been doing the same things since childhood, or they are genetically predisposed to behave a certain way. This is false. I know, I had to face myself and say, “I have to change, my behaviors are not healthy, and they are causing unnecessary issues in my life”. This change requires some deep inner work; you have to be able to look inside yourself and recognize the behaviors that are making your life harder. It takes a ton of self-awareness and accountability to say, “I’m in the wrong and I need to make changes”. Just like the exercise in my previous post, this one requires a paper and pen, but instead of recognizing the people, places, or things that evoke negative emotions; I want you to write down your own habits, characteristics, personality traits, or thoughts that either cause you distress, embarrassment, or problems, or things you do that may hurt others such as lying, being unappreciative, unaffectionate, or throwing shade. Once you have a list of negative traits, I want you to dig deep and try to figure out where those patterns and behaviors came from. Once you can recognize the negative within yourself and identify the source, you will then be ready to either eliminate the behavior or replace it with something more positive. If your issue is lying, figure out why you lie, then make it a goal to not lie, not matter how much it might hurt, because the truth can be ugly, but it always comes out, so lying makes it so much worse. Look at it like ripping the Band-Aid off. If you struggle with having negative thoughts about others, catch the thought when it occurs and replace it with something complimentary. Let’s say you have a co-worker that is very social, they like to talk your ear off, so as soon as you see them coming your first thought is “God they’re so annoying”, catch that thought and say to yourself ” they aren’t annoying they are friendly and enjoy chatting with me” The examples can go on and on but you get the idea. This is a long process, and it really takes a huge amount of effort to recognize the bad traits in yourself, but you will be and feel so much better for changing your ways!

  • Hello World!

    Welcome to One Person Project! My goal is to help you become the best version of yourself. I detail personal struggles that I have gone through in the past and give the techniques and exercises to help overcome them. I want you to work on the most important project of your life…YOU!

  • Transform Your Life: Start Your One Person Project Today

    “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything”-Bernard Shaw. Depressed, sluggish, tired, fat, and pessimistic are words that were perfect descriptors of me. I was feeling like life was just passing by, waking up and going through the motions like a product on a conveyor belt over and over, day after day. The only excitement I felt was when it was time to drift away into the ether of my dreams every night. I went through life like a drifter just floating through for years, feeling like I was never noticed, made an impact, or impression. I felt stuck!

    “Life is not supposed to be like this” was a constant mantra in my head, and I was right life is not supposed to be like that. I was sick and tired of being a bystander in my own life, so I decided to go from being a bystander to the hero of my own story. I woke up one day knowing something had to change, I could not continue down the path I was on. Recognizing the areas of my life that were making me unhappy was the very first step to making changes toward a happier life. Facing and working through past trauma so I could identify patterns and habits that were formed from a place of fear was life changing.

    The “One Person Project” is about the most important project you will ever work on in your life…YOU. This blog will go through my personal experience of making positive changes in my life. I overcame addiction, dealing with extremely difficult family dynamics, poverty, and depression to make a better life for myself and become a better influence for my children. I want to share my journey to inspire other people to take the steps to becoming a better version of yourself. One of the first things you can do is get out a pen and some paper, write down the question “What in my life is no longer serving me?” write down the people, places, routines, habits, etc., that are evoking negative emotions. List everything that makes any negative feelings or emotions come out; they can be things as small as “these shoes make my feet hurt every day” to big issues such as “I haven’t been happy in my marriage for a long time”. Just identifying the things in your life that make you unhappy, depressed, uncomfortable, or ashamed is a huge step in healing. We can’t make changes if we don’t even have a starting line for the journey and the items on your list will give you that start line.